My Journey in Time

Life, It's Never What We Expect Follow Me On My Writing Journey

I smoked the blunt to numb the pain

To ease this emptiness inside

I inhaled deeply the calm settles around

No longer do I feel like I’m clawing to escape

I exhaled with relief for this is my way to face it

I no longer feel like I’m spiraling this depression which consumes

I feel fully functioning I can smile and tell a joke

People see me as bubbly and full of life while in reality I’m sad and alone

I am thankful for this release as it’s my only way at times

What no one truly understands is how helpless and immobilizing It can truly feel

Depression you consume me I’m fighting back day by day I take my time minute by minute second by second

My choices not always right I know where I stand

Marijuana I truly thank you sometimes your my only friend

You ease my pain you help me smile you enable me to breath and feel ok

I almost let you win

I almost let me lose

To walk away from my passion

All because of you

My name is raked through mud

Lies spread all around

The more I write the truth

The more hate, to be found

I will not stop my voice

I will finally be heard

My life experiences defined me for so long

But no more, not by you

Ive tried to find forgiveness

But your hatred never stops

I will no longer shut myself off

No longer running to hide

You have done all this yet claim to be family

Trust me now I know

Family isn’t about who raised me

Or who shares DNA

Its those that show they are there

They never fade away

You were once my dad, though blood we did not share

Now you are just the man that let me down

The man that wanted me to fail

I sit here and watch your drunk ass tear me down

Abusive words bring down my crown

My heart aches immensely, but this I know

I don’t deserve what you’re giving

Not in any way

I’ve begged and pleaded

Cried on the ground

Hurting beyond words

As my world falls down

He sits and attacks

Thinking he is in the right

He cheated made another child

Only then did I stray

It doesn’t make it right

It’s caused one hell of a fight

I tried to walk away

I talked when I was hurting

I begged you to listen

Now you call me names daily

Right in front of my kids

You tell me I’m worthless

Your words beat into my head

I wanted to be happy

My fairy tale come true

I’ll never get my dream

I’ll never be truly seen

Hypocrisy at its fullest

The only difference is

I took accountability

I apologized wanting to work through

In the end you told me

It all became my fault

The pain you have caused me

It is becoming immense

I dreamt of it all ending

I need to find some light

I always assumed one day my prince would come

All of the movies played me

They made it all seem so fun

When you live in such a hell

You always fantasize

What will life be like

When I am in my years?

Instead all I found in life,

Was people who hurt me in life

Raped and never helped

Abused and never healed

Over and over I chose them wrong

I thought I could help to build

To mold what I saw everywhere around

I always chose wrong

Never stood up

Abused in such ways

Most would be confused

Now the PTSD is here

My husband is the only one I have

Things of happenstance

Erupts the years of pain and so much fear

Always hurt always used

Never have I gotten,

What other have its true.

Once he came around

I hoped things would change

He was different and so sweet,

A different lifestyle,

But that was no matter to me

We used to write songs

Spend time laughing and playing

Little by little though,

Little things turned into big

Neither knowing how to stop it

Neither wanting the other to win

My heart is hurting badly

I never wanted to do you harm

Lies from both sides

This game of hate we now play

Instead of doing the right thing

Tit for tat, this and that

All this hate when our love is so great

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to say

This pain is increasing

Every single day

All the dramatics instead of love

I hope one day we each heal

I hope one day there can be love

Death is what this end feels like

Is the pain here to stay?

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to say

Your words they now hurt greatly

Is the psychological warfare here to stay?

Im empty and alone

Nowhere to run

Nowhere to turn

Do we really have nothing left to say?

I almost gave up on writing.

There has been so much pain this year,

I don’t mean Covid or political.

Its personal pain all around me,

I thought I could hold it in

Stops writing all my pain

The more I held it in,

The more words would rain

Everywhere I went,

Poetry followed.

Like a golden secret,

I didn’t act upon,

Most of those magical pieces,

Haven’t made it for you to see.

I fall asleep writing poetry in my head.

All of my great works

Locked away instead.

I thought I could stop writing.

I thought my writing was in vain.

The longer Ive stopped (hell its only been a week)

The more words run through my mind.

How could I have been so blind.

Writing is my heart, my escape, my set free

It helps tap off the pain seeping out of me.

Conundrum

Author Tiffani Slaughter

I can’t shake this feeling

Like a thunderstorm

On a sunshine day

One moment there is peace

Next there is a downpour

Angst in every moment

Loss in every step

Lonely in a way

That is very hard to explain

Heartache and sadness

Grief and strife

Feeling so empty

Nothing will suffice

Curled in a corner

Fragile and frail

Trying so hard

Only to fail

Ten steps forward

But twenty steps back

Never backing down

Always looking back

Regret fills my head

At all of my mistakes

Sorrow fills my soul

Why can’t life just be great

My heart is breaking

I don’t know what to do

After everything else

I am still losing you

Shattered is all I can feel

Lost in all my fears

We’ve built so much together

We’ve almost reached the moon

My heart, silently weeping

My head so full of doubt

So much loss already

But you are the one

I don’t want to live without

I’m screaming out in frustration

Asking, “What can I do”?

We both get so damn angry

Words and actions become askew

I am alone, I’ve always been

No-one understands

I’ve made big mistakes

Hell, So have you

So why am I the only one that’s bad

Why can’t you see

This is worth fixing

Not something to drift at sea

Your Day

Author Tiffani Slaughter

It was your birthday yesterday

I didn’t think to call

I didn’t send a card

I didn’t celebrate at all

You once were my father

Once someone I knew

You ruined my life

In so many ways

When I just needed a father

You chose to abuse

Your words always vile

Manipulative and cruel

You teased

You poked

You pushed me to the darkest depths of my soul

I wanted guidance

You wanted to criticize

I wanted comfort

Instead you were cruel

Your words always hitting

You always left a bruise

I can’t celebrate you

Not in anyway

You lost that chance from me

It’s gone for the rest of your days

So don’t expect a call

Don’t expect cards of love

You gave up all rights

When you said I wasn’t your kid

It frightens me that our country is about to become even more divided than ever before. For Kane West to step into the race this late in the game, it wasn’t with pure intentions for our country. He only jumped up and stated he was running to divide the Biden vote. Trump is hoping that this will allow him to get a slim chance at winning. This is Trumpaloompa’s last ditch attempt before the Republican Party pulls him from running and brings out a qualified candidate to run for office.

Right now our country is in utter turmoil. For the first time in a long time the world is laughing at us instead of aspiring to be here in the land of the free. No longer are we looked upon as great. People see chaos, hate, privilege, and downright ignorance in this country. It is not safe to walk around if you are a person of color. It is not safe to feel safe because the minute you do something big happens. We have people legitimately telling people they are wrong for feeling unsafe and wrong for standing up to racism. All the while these people are screaming racist slurs. If they aren’t they are saying things like, “Well aren’t you well spoken”, or “You must have grown up with some white influence”. Having a black husband I have seen it all. People are down right ignorant.

Hell we lived in Idaho for a very short lived time. People glared at us when we were at Walmart in town. An interracial couple is so unacceptable in a predominantly white area. The only people of color that were there when I was growing up were Mexicans. They worked the fields for all these white rich farmers. The only black people were brought over as I became an adult. These were refugees from Nigeria. They were all put in one area of town to live and that was that. There was no diversification in this town at all. Growing up, I didn’t understand that at all. In high school, I headed the Diversification club and tried to bring awareness to it being okay to be different.

In a town full of white supremacist and nationalists it is really hard to bring awareness and change. Hell you even had Mexicans wishing they were white. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was to be dating a Mexican who walked around with a swastica tattoo on his arm. That didn’t last long. The worst part was having a dad and all of his family who thought they were white even though Indian and Spanish run through their blood more than white ever could. They walk around in their MAGA gear and talk as if they are better than everyone else. Shit my sister Katie married a white supremacist and that to me is so damn hurtful.

Now a black man of power that supports Donald Trump has stepped up to help the so called president spilt the votes. Wake up people. We need change in America. We need to better our Country. We can’t do that until we unite and realize that color doesn’t make a person. White people weren’t the founders of this country. Black people were forced here. If we can all realize these things and start for change. Stop killing people for the color of their skin. Stop being scared to walk past a black man. Stop judging that interracial couple and come together as a whole. America is supposed to be a melting pot that welcomes all.

I’m tired

Tired of all the hate

Of all the fighting

All of the lies

The anger

So much that it radiates

From the top of the chain

He stands there

Looking down on all of us

He thinks we are fish

He is taking away our water

With his every word

The real fish follow

The rest stand up

Outcrying this injustice

What has this country become

We are split in many ways

Ignorance and racism divide

Set back decades

Orange is all he is

Manipulation is his game

He is watching us die

He has no shame

I cry for the millions

You have destroyed

We used to be great

Now America is about Hate

You said to make us great again

You made us slaves again

Election time can’t come soon enough

Before a war erupts

It is brewing with every speech

Every vial word he speaks

The cover ups the deception

If only Obama could come back again

Then and only then

Would America be great again

Moon

Author Tiffani Slaughter

The moonlight kissed the sky

Slowly buy very surely

Higher and higher it will rise

High up in the sky

Floating in space

Nothing but a face

Nothing to hold onto

No standing indeed

Slowly it rises

Slowly it will fall

To say goodbye

To start again tomorrow

Its importance lost to most

But known to some

Just like in life

There but forgotten

Reaching for the day

Fading as the sunlight starts

To outshine its day