The definition of Disappointment is:
the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.
a person, event, or thing that causes disappointment.
What happens when a couple, two people in love, come from two different worlds? They were each raised differently. One was raised sheltered ink a small town. She grew up naive and the only “mistake” she made as a kid was getting pregnant her first time having sex at the age of 14. She never drank or did drugs, she never attended parties or got the joy of sneaking out growing up. There was rarely violence in her world. Then look at him, growing up in the big city, he saw a lot more than she ever could have imagined. He was not sheltered and because of this experienced a lot of things on the streets like fights and violence all the time. The normal thing where he was raised was to fight back and get revenge, you never called the police.
The differences are many because while the girl has compassion and understanding the man sees fault and blame. She tries to reason while he insist he is right about everything. There is never pure tranquility here.
The worst words I heard were uttered today “I am disappointed in you!?!”, “How you handled the situation with the neighbors was a disappointment?”. To hear these words uttered by the man you love can shatter ones world. Even more so because I know and understand why he is saying what he says.
Disappointment here stems from me calling the police when I was assaulted as I talked about in my last blog post. Disappoint stems from me not fighting these people and admitting to the person I thought loved me that I am and was scared. The dad scared me as he tried to beat in my door and kill me the mom and her crew scared me as they tried to jump me, the son didn’t scare me but I couldn’t put my hands on someone younger than me when I know the only reason for his animosity is because of his crazy mom and her insane sensitivity to living on the bottom floor.
I disappointed him and I am to blame in his eyes for all of this because I called the cops instead of fight people and risk my daughters not having a mom and dad when something crazy goes down. I am a bad person for wanting to stay on the right side of the law and not stoop to these crazy peoples antics. I let him down for not being a “Down Ass Bitch” as these thug’s expect their women in the hood. I am not a thug nor am I a “Down Ass Bitch” if it means putting my children at risk as I chose to bring them into this world and I won’t let them down. How can anyone be so jaded to think it is ok to make someone feel bad for being scared for seeing what could happen and not want it to get there?
I have court later this month for everything and this can potentially cost me the job I have been waiting to start and have been waiting 6 months for. I am scared that justice won’t be on my side and I fear that I am going to be unjustly punished because I grabbed his bag, after he hurt me, to stop him. People can’t even defend themselves anymore and feel safe knowing the police will protect me. I decided that if I lose for some unforeseen reason I will try to talk to the news and at least bring notice to the delayed police response of 10 hours from the call. My man told me if that happens he won’t stand by my side in the spotlight and instead he will let me handle it by myself and this is what started me learning of my failures.
I feel as if my world is crashing around me. I love yet I am ignored, I give yet get nothing back, I want but never achieve. I am alone.