Have you ever just looked around you and realize that not many people understand you? You have a few close friends but you couldn’t imagine really fully imparting the grief and sadness you feel on them. You sit here thinking man I’m alone. The ones who try to be there don’t know how or have enough going on that they can’t be. The one you love so deeply so immensely is now gone and you don’t even know how to be. You didn’t want to leave you wanted it to work. It was supposed to be that happy ever after that every girl dreams of. Then its lost and you think who am I without you?
That is the question that sits deeply on my heart tonight. Who am I without you? How do I discover that with almost a decade of it being you and me, us, we, partners, and best friends. The tears fall as I think of all that was there. Yes there was bad that is obvious since we aren’t together anymore but there was a lot of good. We’ve raised two beautiful girls and had a life, built a beautiful life really. Now its gone and I just feel alone, empty, and sad. I know we made the right decision but my soul feels hollow and sometimes I inhale deeply like I must have forgotten to breath for a split second and then the tears fall down my face hard and fast. I know it will get better, eventually we will be best friends that co parent. If only that was what I wanted. To love someone so much that you feel your heart is literally gone. Like they have it in some invisible box.
I sit here writing this wondering where do I go from here? How do I start over? How do I heal my heart in a healthy way that helps me be a stronger person? How do I learn to love myself again? I’m sad yes, I am devastated, but I know I have to rebuild and re learn who I am but honestly that still doesn’t stop the thoughts…. Who am I without you?