Every girl dreams of that big moment, that special moment when they will lose the big V card. They fantasize about all aspects from the who all the way to the where. I pictured it being under the stars on a. blanket after a beautiful candlelit picnic in the mountains. That was how I dreamed it would be. The earth would move the Sky would rise and fall with this big moment. That moment is the moment I would become a woman. That is every girls dream right? To find the right person, fall in love, and give them that special part of you. In reality what happened was not what one dreams and not what one hopes will take place in that magic moment.
I had been dating my daughters dad for a few months, and by dating I mean sitting by him at church, hanging out with out families, seeing each other as he drove by on his motorcycle. I still remember those days, I would time it so that I was outside reading a book or playing fetch with our dog just to catch a glimpse of him as he drove by every day. This all happened during the end of my 8th grade year. During the summer the times I saw him were very limited because I wasn’t really allowed to date and I only saw him if he showed up to church events or up at the pool everyone frequented out in the country of Hollister, Idaho.
So now summer is here and my cousin comes to spend a few weeks with me. At the time I am 14 and she is 13. While she is younger she was raised in a big city while I was being raised in the country. I had no idea what guys wanted or what I was getting myself into. She caught a glimpse of his friend and said lets sneak the boys over while everyone is asleep. I never would have thought doing this would lead to my V card being taken away. I agreed because I thought it was unfair that I never got to see my boyfriend, my parents were so unfair in my barely teenage eyes.
The boys arrived after biking 10 miles to my home on a dirt road in the country in the dead of night. We opened up a window that you could barely fit through sliding and angling yourself and the boys came in. My cousin left me and my daughters dad alone and went to the other room in the basement. Next thing I know he is kissing me, I had barely had my first kiss a few months prior to this. He was 18 at the time was supposed to be a senior in high school but had failed twice and was only going into his sophomore year at school.
This kissing soon led to him touching me in areas I wasn’t familiar with and I told him to stop. When I said stop he became more persistent. His kissing became rushed as though he was excited and he started putting his hands there. I said no again and even kneed him in the balls, (at least I aimed there). At that moment I realized I would either have to scream and have my big scary dad come down and beat my ass or to give in and get it over with. I gave in and was very still while it happened. Once it was over they left and later that day we were discovered. All bets were off and I was done with the relationship. I hated him with every ounce of me because he took something very special from me and I would never get that back.
A few months later and back in school I started getting really Nautious and even threw up a few times. Little did I know I was pregnant. By 4 months pregnant I had finally come to terms with the reality of my situation. I was all alone and scare that if I told my parents they would kick me out and I would have no where to go. I went into survival mode. I dreamed of ways to cause a miscarriage that it would all go away. I hoped I was in a really bad dream. I was only 14 and it was only once. It wasn’t really true was it? It only takes one time to get pregnant and I was that one time. I am now a statistic. I had to hide my pregnancy and I wore lots of heavy sweaters and was very careful what I did in the morning because I threw up every day at this point. I had only confided in one friend and she suggested I take a whole pack of birth control. I was too scared to do that even after she handed me the pills. That is when reality sat in and I knew I had to tell my parents.
At 7 months pregnant I had kept telling my mom I needed to talk and begged her to go for a drive and she didn’t clue in that it was urgent, no way anything bad was going on right? So I confided in one more person who eventually became a very important person to me and he suggested I tell the dad first and go from there. I knew eventually I had to do that but by this point I despised him for what he did to me. I told the dad and he smiled and said great now you will have to marry me and we can spend our lives together. This man was freaking happy, my life was over and he was celebrating! I was so angry. I wanted to become a lawyer or a psychologist or a FBI agent. These had been my dreams and they were gone because he couldn’t listen when I said no.
Telling him was pointless so I finally cornered my mom and said we need to talk and we need to drive to talk. I was quiet for a 15 minute drive and then my mom pulled over in the church parking lot and I told her I was pregnant. She thought I was joking and when she realized I wasn’t she yelled and cried and yelled some more then we drove home and pretended like nothing was wrong. Telling my dad wasn’t going to be that easy. I called my friend and cried for a very long time about my failure of a confession and how I had no-one and my mom came down (a little calmer) and told me we would get through this.
The day came that my mom told my dad and he though him being a grandpa was about my cats because they were always popping out babies and when he realized it was me, his baby girl, he cried and cried and was gonna kill my daughters dad. He called his dad and they talked and agreed he would be there and that was that. This boy at 18 had never even seen me naked and everyone was forcing him to go to these doc appointments where he just stared at my body. He was disgusting to me.
I became thrown into a life I wasn’t ready for, no kid is ready to have a kid. I had my second child at 25 and I think that is the perfect age to start because you are more patient and have a better grasp on life. Kids aren’t mature enough to handle being a mom, I was no exception.
I had my daughter via an induced natural birth. She came into this world at 4 in the afternoon. I was so happy but had no idea what I was in for. No sleep, those baby dolls don’t do a real baby justice in high school. There were nights I would be rocking her and just crying because I was so tired. There were nights were nothing I did was right and at 15 I felt like a failure. Every time I didn’t do something right my parents made sure I knew and corrected it. My daughter soon learned to have no respect for me because the lines of who was parent were very blurred. The dad never came around unless it was in another attempt to get me back with some lame note or mixed tape. Little did I know this was the start of the most rocky start at parenting. I didn’t get my head on my shoulders until I was almost 25 and that took a huge wake up call for me to realize what I was doing.
Stay tuned to hear more of this story in the next story. Lets just say all of this glorified tv junk on MTV about teen moms is wrong and the truth is way more ugly than one could ever imagine. I intend to tell just that.