How can one overcome so many years of sadness and heartache? How can one learn to shake off the last when it never goes away? How do you tell your loved ones that you are fragile and need a handle with care sticker tattooed right in. Things that are funny never feel that way. While others see joy in the world all I see is the injustice and tragedy. The things that should be common sense never are to most. This world is full of pain. While I may be fragile I will never stay silent again.
I didn’t realize through all the pain the things I have been missing. All this pain became anxiety and anger. Always silenced growing up and even into the start of adulthood, I never had a voice. I became fearful of sharing my thoughts, scared of the ramifications. As a kid if I made a mistake or what was perceived as a mistake it wasn’t just a lecture or a spanking, I was screamed at, told to be silent all the while being asked to explain. If we laughed too much, bam a belt cane our way. If we didn’t understand and tried to bam bam.
I’m partially def in my left ear. I’ve tried surgery, hear aides, the works and while there was always some relief I never could hear the best. Around 18 or so, I was visiting my parents, the male parent figure and I always argued over everything. We were sitting at the dinner table and an argument ensured. He told me to get out and I went to leave. I backed my chair out right as my youngest brother cane running into the kitchen. Bam I knocked into him. The dad erupted in an anger that was so bad he hit me. Bam right on my bad ear. I didn’t understand the liquids oozing from it that day. I never had it checked. Instead I was thrown out after hitting him back, so tired of his constant assaults. The refused to hand me my daughter and she sat there crying and screaming for me while my siblings were all crying confused.
This is just one of the many days of hell I spent there. After I left I can only imagine how much worse it became for my siblings. So now again I ask. How can someone heal and not being their past into the present? How do I learn to laugh just because? The pain is so deep and all that I learn brings up more to the surface.