I swear when the world starts to tumble it just keeps going. Like an earthquake with the multitude of aftershocks that follow
To not only find out someone so close to you is sick. To find out that sickness hurt those closest to me even more. What happens then when you reach out to get help and eve try one turns on you? You then decide if no one close will listen you have to go public.
This in turn causes one to lose all of those who can’t fathom what I have to say or understand why I would it the way I did. Who really wants this aired out publicly. I had no choice I was attacked, threatened, shamed, and they attempted to blame me into to silence.
The problem was I had all the proof. I didn’t just throw some wildly inaccurate lie out there. The more I dug the more I found. It wasn’t hard with technology and first hand experience.
My whole life I was told to shut up. I was so fearful of having a voice I silenced my own rape. Not just once but twice. The choices I’ve made in life have been poor when it comes to me. My self worth was gone. I would die for my children but could careless about myself.
The older I got, the more I realized I am stronger than I knew. Speaking up the way I did was like a cleansing of my soul. I opened up so much pain but found it as a way to heal.
I’ve hurt people in my life and I regret that. I’m not talking about with going live I meant every word of that. My anxiety, caused by years and years of mental abuse from a man who claimed to be my dad, has caused so much anger.
By the time my husband came around I was so done with men hurting me. I made such bad choices cause I couldn’t see what I had to offer. It really wasn’t fair to him though cause while he made dumb and hurtful choices he wasn’t like the others.
Any little issue became so much bigger because everything triggered me. I was once married to a man that was gone every night with other women. It made me physically ill every day. When he was home he was criticizing me and pushing me into closets. Then I immediately started dating a mutual friend when I finally asked that bastard to leave.
That friend was even worse somehow. He didn’t really want me and somehow, somewhere deep inside I knew this. He wanted my money, the beer in my fridge, and whatever else I could offer. I was in pain already and just went with this for way longer than I wanted to. In the end I lost a baby because of him, literally.
There’s so many more stories like this. All the bad choices that led me to where I am today. All stemming from the hurt and pain of a shitty childhood. A pain that led to a childhood pregnancy and growing up way too quickly.
Being a teen mom was a joke my parents took control whenever they could and took her form me left and right. Their idea of teaching me to parent was to yell and take over and push me out. I slept in more couches of friends houses than I can count after having my daughter and all of this without her. I never wanted that. I wanted to be a mom.
All of this has led to a tumultuous and tragic reality of my present. Once I realized I could handle anymore I started reacting when I felt I didn’t have a voice I’d yell. When that didn’t work I’d cry and maybe throw something. I didn’t know it then but anxiety and depression is definitely a Bitch. I’m on a medication with a doctor that helps and I don’t get like I used too.
Anytime things got to be too much and I couldn’t do it no more I made the worst mistake I could have ever made. I talked to other people, which I justified by his past indiscretions. I justified it because we’ve both put our hands on each other. I’ve always said it’s been both of us but what I haven’t said is a lot of the time the stuff you don’t hear about is how we’d be fighting and that would turn into me spiraling and freaking out and I’d start pushing him or hitting his chest.
I wanted the pain inside me, all the pain and rage I was feeling to be shared. I regret it so much. Every action I’ve done. I’m not excusing anything that has happened and we have been working so much to get through it. What scares me is will it be enough. Did we realize the help needed in time to heal and get through.
I have so much pain inside still so much and it hurts all the time. I’m grateful I have stuff to help me. I know a lot of people have no help. We timing has become my outlet to get all of my feelings out. This has been a place I’ve had for years but I go recently really worked at.
I implore anyone that has those feelings inside to get help. I am and will continue helping myself everyday. This is my journey to healing. I have nothing to hide. I have no secrets and that is why my terrible ex family will never be able to take me down.